John Metcalfe was CityLab’s Bay Area bureau chief, covering climate change and the science of cities.
A major winter storm tests the lower states' snow-sculpting mettle.
Roll three different-sized snowballs, stack them, apply carrot and eye/mouth material of your choice—bam, you got yourself a snowman.
The process sounds so simple, yet in the South, where places are getting socked with up to 10 inches of powder, people are managing to screw it up. Maybe that's because it is many folks' first real snowstorm and they don't know what a snowman looks like, or maybe there's not enough stuff on the ground to work with, but the creatures that are popping up in Alabama, Arkansas, and Texas look funky, craven, and plagued with head deformities.
So that leads to the question: Do Southerners know how to make a snowman?
My personal opinion is yes, most do, though there are a few that fail spectacularly. I'm just going throw some of these ones out and let the people decide. One important note: A few of these appear partly constructed by children, who should not bear a single flake of blame. It's every parent's responsibility to ensure their kids grow up knowing how to knock out a healthy-looking snowman.
Let's set the scene with how surreal a time it is to be in the South (Alabama in particular):
Here is one man's "first attempt at a snowman" (this theme will become pronounced):
For my first attempt at a snowman, I didn't do bad. Delayed childhood, I guess. But it is harder than it looks. pic.twitter.com/wuEvrMy5lM— Ed Howell (@byedhowell) February 25, 2015
A snowman with an hour-glass waist and a conehead (cute little girl, though):
#snowman #fail in Texas:
The blobfish of snowmen:
This lumpish tiki mama appears to have a dress made from cold spaghetti:
Seriously, can somebody explain the coneheads?
We don't get the opportunity to make a snowman very often! pic.twitter.com/u9ipAolwp3— Josh Shaw (@coachofwarriors) February 25, 2015
You'll have to pry it from its cold, dead hands:
How's it goin', stretch:
Here's a reminder that Maryland is still considered a Southern state:
There's something wrong with this guy, too, but it looks intentional: