Who needs hamburger buns when you can use two entire funnel cakes?

Sunday is Opening Day for the 2015 Major League Baseball season, which means this is the week the public found out what to expect on the only official roster that really matters: The ballpark menu, of course.

The New York Mets, the Houston Astros, and the Philadelphia Phillies were among the teams to unveil new over-the-top Franken-foods for the 2015 season. Excess and gluttony abound. Who will wow the public with the greasiest, most deeply fried, completely ridiculous ballpark snacks this year? Judge for yourself. Below are the seven most amazingly awful food items coming soon to a professional baseball stadium near you.

Houston's Chicken and Waffle Cone

This creature will be offered at Minute Maid Park, home of the Houston Astros. It's a waffle cone stuffed with mashed potatoes and popcorn chicken, moistened with a honey-mustard drizzle. It looks like it weighs ... a lot. One (if you can pick just one) issue with this: Shouldn't this be an Atlanta offering? The ATL does chicken and waffles better than anyone. The Braves would certainly seem to be in a better position to convince fans to consume an entire dinner in cone form.

(Aramark)

New York's S'mores-Covered Bacon

The New York Mets unveiled their new 2015 foodstuffs on Wednesday. Most of it looked pretty normal and delicious, but never fear—bacon on a stick covered in s'mores* are here. They are $8 a pop, according to a tweet by ESPN business reporter Darren Rovell. Sweet and salty is always a good combo, but these ... don't look like s'mores. These abominations appear to be the culinary equivalent of a trust fall.

Philadelphia's 'Triple Triple' Burger

This is surely the most caloric item on this list. Citizens Bank Park, home to the Philadelphia Phillies, is offering a "Triple Triple" Wayback burger this season. It's nine (nine!) patties high and reportedly boasts just under 2,000 calories, which first of all seems like a low estimate and second of all is what an adult human is meant consume over the course of an entire day.

This burger is apparently a local fave and can be found at the Wayback chain of restaurants in the Philly area. You at least stand a chance of managing to eat this at a restaurant. But in the close quarters of a baseball-stadium seat? BYO entire roll of paper towels.

Phoenix's 'Churro Dog'

Phoenix's Chase Field is a bright spot in a city suffering from terrible sprawl. The ballpark is built right downtown, where you may avail yourself of this hideous dessert-dog. Arizona Diamondbacks fans can enjoy a cinnamon churro wrapped in a chocolate-glazed eclair, topped with froyo, whipped cream, and both caramel and chocolate sauces. The Churro Dog is practically dietetic compared with the "Triple Triple" Wayback Burger, at a mere 1,100 calories.

Texas's 'Just Bacon' Stand

Fancy some bacon cotton candy? Bacon lollipops? A frosty glass of "bacon beer"? These and other cardiac arrest-inducing items are available this season at the Texas Rangers' ballpark in Arlington (in between Dallas and Fort Worth), featured at a new stand devoted wholly and exclusively to fried pig products.

Wisconsin's 'Big Mother Funnel' Burger

Lest we forget the insane offerings at minor league parks this season. Appleton, Wisconsin, is a little town outside of Green Bay that hosts an adorable Class A Brewers affiliate team called the Timber Rattlers. On offer at Neuroscience Group Field at Fox Cities Stadium (no joke, that is the actual name of this ballpark) is a state fair-inspired burger (with bacon, natch) that replaces buns with two entire funnel cakes, complete with powdered sugar. For your health, the burger also bears a lone lettuce leaf.

Wilmington's 'Sweenie Donut Dog'

A Royals' Class A club over in Delaware, the Wilmington Blue Rocks, has partnered with Krispy Kreme to offer its fans a hot dog wrapped in a Krispy Kreme donut and topped with a jelly and bacon crumble.

Having presumably chewed up and spit out every creative instinct they've ever had with the mere creation of this monstrosity, the Blue Rocks asked their supporters to help them name their death dog. Throughout March, the team fielded suggestions for a permanent name for the 'Donut Dog' and ended up with ...

*CORRECTION: This post previously indicated that New York's bacon s'mores were s'mores covered in bacon. They are, in fact, bacon covered in s'mores.

About the Author

Most Popular

  1. A photo of a closed street in St. Louis
    Equity

    The Curious Tale of the St. Louis Street Barriers

    Thanks to an '80s mania for traffic calming, the St. Louis grid is broken by hundreds of bollards and cul-de-sacs. Critics say it’s time to get rid of them.

  2. A young girl winces from the sting as she receives the polio vaccine in 1954.
    Life

    How Mandatory Vaccination Fueled the Anti-Vaxxer Movement

    To better understand the controversy over New York’s measles outbreak, you have to go back to the late 19th century.

  3. Design

    The Woman Who Elevated Modern Poland’s Architecture

    A new exhibit displays Jadwiga Grabowska-Hawrylak’s talent, which strove beyond the postwar standards of mass-production and prefabrication in her home country.

  4. Transportation

    Will Ottawa Ever Get Its Light Rail?

    Sinkholes, winter-weary trains, and political upheaval have held the Confederation Line light-rail transit back from a seriously overdue opening.

  5. A women-only subway car in Mexico City, Mexico
    Equity

    What’s the Best Way to Curb NYC Subway Harassment?

    While other countries have turned to women-only cars, New York legislators are proposing to ban repeat sex offenders and increase penalties for subway grinders.