Kriston Capps is a staff writer for CityLab covering housing, architecture, and politics. He previously worked as a senior editor for Architect magazine.
A giant balloon went rogue in the Arizona suburb.
Video footage acquired by the local NBC affiliate shows residents of Peoria, Arizona fleeing in terror on Thursday as a giant pumpkin descended upon them. None were spared by the wrath of the jack-o’-lantern, the living embodiment of the cult of Samhain.
Warning: This footage is incredibly disturbing. It is recommended that viewers steel themselves before watching. But do not watch too closely—lest you too succumb to the fate of the Phoenix suburb.
The gourd awakened infernal dreams in all who beheld its apparition, per the report. An insane murmur could be detected in the audio recording: perhaps the whisperings of the maniacal and demented, the lost and ever-unchanging, the dead souls, funneled into our realm from some nether dimension by this arcane and over-large squash.
Perhaps the most difficult news of all: The pumpkin was summoned by the citizens of Peoria themselves. An autumnal display organized by the city was the channel for this fell spirit. The residents were willing participants in their own destruction; in the end, their embrace of darkness was irrevocable.
Whether in the end the people of Peoria repented, no one in this world can say. They took their secrets to their graves. There is no witness left to tell. The city got totally squashed.