This world is hell.

A vast sea of glowing, swaying testicles: This could be the horrible future of your commute, if cycle lights known as “Bike Balls” ever catch on.

And there’s evidence they might. The dubious, $20 product has already doubled its Kickstarter goal and its Toronto-based makers are promising to ship by August. It’s a reminder of one of life’s eternal mysteries—why people think it’s the pinnacle of humor to have fake gonads fixed to their stuff.

The inspiration for “Bike Balls” is, presumably, “truck nuts,” which Wikipedia defines thus:

Truck nuts, also known as Truck nutz, truck balls, BumperNuts, BumperBalls, CargoNads, Drive-thru Danglers, Trucksticles, HitchNuggets, Highway Hangers, Balls-on-a-truck, or, as they are known in the United Kingdom, Bumper Bollocks, are plastic accessories for pickup trucks and other vehicles which resemble a pair of dangling testicles. Truck nuts are usually hung for humour or amusement. They are attached under the rear bumper of the vehicle so they are visible from behind.

Oddly enough, the creators of “Bike Balls” are hammering not the funny but the safety aspects. The ersatz testes have a bigger-lit surface area than standard LED accessories, they say. And drivers will be more inclined to notice them because they’re bouncing back and forth. And because, after all, they’re balls.

The cycling world still awaits the journal study supporting the safety stance. What is clearly in the lights’ favor is ease of use. A clip that attaches under the seat means quick installation and removal. And here’s the simple instructions for operation: “Gently squeeze the Balls to turn the light on and switch between the modes. Gently squeeze again to turn the Bike Balls off.”

About the Author

Most Popular

  1. A photo of an encampment of homeless people outside Minneapolis,
    Equity

    Why Minneapolis Just Made Zoning History

    The ambitious Minneapolis 2040 plan will encourage more dense housing development in single-family neighborhoods.

  2. Equity

    The ‘Sweeping’ Effect of a $15-an-Hour Job Guarantee

    A new report analyzes the complicated labor market impact of a radical proposal that’s gaining traction on the left.

  3. The opulent anteroom to a ladies' restroom at the Ohio Theatre, a 1928 movie palace in Columbus, Ohio.
    Design

    The Glamorous, Sexist History of the Women’s Restroom Lounge

    Separate areas with sofas, vanities, and even writing tables used to put the “rest” in women’s restrooms. Why were these spaces built, and why did they vanish?

  4. Transportation

    This Bike Elevator Makes Steep Hills a Little More Manageable

    Is there a place for this Norwegian invention in American cities?

  5. A large detached dwelling on Oahu, one of the Hawaiian islands
    Life

    On Oahu, a Debate Over Honolulu’s ‘Monster’ Homes

    Critics say the massive homes are code-dodging rentals. Others say space for extended-family home-share is necessary to manage the high home prices in Hawaii.